Okay. Life's consisted of several _Harold and Maude_ moments lately, strung together like paper lanterns at a garden party being held in my honor. I, Queen Amy, declare that everyone act silly, love each other lots, run around barefoot, and care more about the weather than that stick that's stuck up your ass. That's what I'm doing after all.

I checked out Ornette Colemann's Complete Science Fiction Sessions_ from Russell a couple of days ago, and it is iiiiiiin-cred-ible. Despite my penchant for the jazz standard, Ornette's always been accessible to me. It's funny to know that Cedar Walton is playing piano on these tracks. And hearing voice performed in a non-fronting context has also been a revelation; atypical instrumentation and arranging is something that's making more and more sense to me. Fuck you, young lions.

I'm considering getting my nose re-pierced. My Oxy comrades know what I'm talking about. I remember those moments, where Molly hacked off inches and inches of my long, curly hair, and then struck out with me, Halbe, (Sarah?), and Ana to pierce various parts of our bodies. We smoked Mexican sweet cigarettes and got high and I doodled on coffee cups and made grand plans for futures and talked about how beautiful everything was. I came home that May and my parents were a bit confused by their daughter; my mother took me to J.Crew.

So, after transferring to one of the most liberal universities in the country, I became increasingly straightlaced. Maybe it's just a subtle desire I've always had to go against the grain; at Oxy that took me one way, while at Wes, another. Maybe the winters are to blame. But right now all I want to do is run amuck and gawk at the crocuses and sing and always be a bit of a mess, because my current opinion is that life is much better that way. Maybe it's because I'm in a safe spot: finished the thesis app, got a good housing pick, the summer job is set, love is all around, classes are going swell, and music's ever-present. Maybe it's Ben to thank too, of late. While it's important to stretch, be stretched, and to challenge oneself, I think that I might learn more about who I am/want to be now that I'm more relaxed than if I were shouldering the world. Yaron looked me in the eye today at dinner and told me that everyone's seen and felt my change. Yesssssssss.

I can't stop grinning. I blame you.  ¶ 00:40

  "how old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"  ¶ 00:06

  i hadn't rehearsed with the tuesday ensemble since before spring break due to schedule conflicts and one thesis proposal deadline. i ducked into the studios just before heading over to the hall in order to warm up the voice and let out a little stress on the keys. i short-cutted through the tunnels and across the stage, where i found taylor sitting in a chair, facing the hundreds of seats with his coronet, reading the new yorker and practicing his long tones. was happy to see him; he was glad to see me, said the guys were worried when i didnt show last week, which was touching to hear. we chatted a bit. got the keys to the room, opened it, shuffled some stands and chairs around to make room for the boys, and sat through a mostly-decent rehearsal. i feel like everyone's lost steam as the semester's gone on, but there was new material today, and that spiced things up. and i played some vibraphone. i really suck at the vibraphone. but it's cool.

as some of the gentlemen packed up, i brought out _anthropology_ and _joy spring_. "i dont have an arrangement yet, but i wanna hear how it sounds," i said. bass, piano, and coronet was all that was left, and we went through _joy spring_ and i can tell you from that one take that it's gonna be good when we perform at the end of the month. "how did you get through those modulations?" i was asked. "i'm a pianist first. and i listened to it a hell of a lot," i replied. so then we were joking about how bad the lyrics to anthropology are, and so i just started singing it and rob followed and suddenly we were jamming again and i realized that hey, i'm getting to be really good at this. i can sing nearly exactly what i want to (within the limits of my range, of course) when i want to. i can sing charlie parker. i sound confident.

i was thinking about this the other day with jay during jazz orchestra, because i'm singing _almost like being in love_ there with a small band, and was recalling how i sounded the first time that i sang it with the band, and how i was a little shy and my throat was a little closed, and how now i can hit it without warming up and sound like a pro and put that little bit of oomph in there that gives the delivery of the lyrics and edge. i can scat a turnaround without the band and then carry the band through the changes. i count off, provide direction and advice with confidence, and know the mic. jay said i sang "beautifully" today. perhaps its because ive felt more beautiful lately than usual thanks to a certain someone, well im sure that really is part of it, but i feel like ive arrived at another turning point as far as my musical development goes. everywhere i go im humming a scat, be it to the car horns or the train whistles or a play on a phrase that someone yells across the north college lawn. i wrote a poem when i was a sophomore in high school for bussio's class where i described how i would whisper songs in time with my footsteps, which is something that ive always done. i've been doing that for years and the only thing that's changed is that ive gotten louder.

i'm singing at snow school on thursday and i've been invited into the _opera and oratorio ensemble_ for the fall semester, which i definitely want to give a shot. today i was waiting outside of a prof's office to get a paper, and ran into lainie, who is graduating this year and going to central america the next. we have stat together and she has the privilege of hearing about my musical exploits. she asked what i was doing next year, and the truth is i still cant decide. over spring break when i flipped out i had decided i should spend more time at the library and less at the studios, that i should study for the lsat and buy the latest us news rankings, but i cant hold myself to that standard. but lainie asked me what i would do after i graduated if i did do music, and i really had no idea. play gigs. but i know that i need more structure than that. ive dreamed of having a career, not just a job. but i can scat over _joy spring_, and that's gotta be worth something to someone.

i apologize for the livejournal-esque emo-ness of this run-on post, but ive got to finish some research for tomorrow, and that's just how i'm thinking right now. humming along to tierney sutton.

i cant believe i wrote her fan mail, by the way. good grief.   ¶ 23:14

  The last 72 hours, in review:

*Performed in Aaron's senior recital*Celebrated at Aaron's after-party*Met fantastic folks*Found a friend of Sam G's from the New School*Went to Italian Market, finally, and had an amazing eggplant parm sandwich*Stayed up til dawn*Flash Partied with the rest of Wes*Invented "caulkamole" at Summerfields and planned the writing a Wespeak to call for a pegging of the dining point to the Euro*Rocked the mic at Sunday rehearsal*Beamed at being called "kid" by Jay, and blushed at being told that I've "Come a long way, kid"*Wrote, and sent, geeky fan mail to Tierney Sutton*Found myself "smitten," haha*

I could hardly sleep last night after a weekend that mahhhhvelous, but this morning the sun warmed my room and I was up before my alarm. This is going to be a great week.  ¶ 11:20