at my music lesson today, i cried. because i wanted more than my hands would give me at the time.

so forget that last post - well, dont forget it, per se. but im retracting my prior statement that the choices are behind me.

it just makes me sad to know that my conflicting passions could leave my passionless.
maybe im just paranoid.

i just feel like i grow more as a person at the keyboard than at the library. i am fulfilled playing music; its a struggle, its ecstacy, it makes me happier than anything and also leaves me absolutely frustrated and depressed. i lose sleep over it, i yearn for it, and i know that if i choose a path other than music, every goddamn concert i will ever attend as an audience member will leave me crying, "why? whywhywhywhywhy, why cant i be as brave as you, onstage? why didnt i follow that? why did i always deny my passion, admitting i couldnt make it that far, when in fact if i had gone full speed ahead without trepidation, i would have made it? i would have truly lived, then..."  ¶ 19:35

  well, spring break is simply too nearby for me to actually pay attention to the tasks at hand. i figured id just post for a bit, even though my economics set is waiting back on my bed. however, seeing as it isnt even 6 pm and ive already finished half of it, i dont have much to worry about - at this rate i might even get more than my usual five-hour dosage of sleep. life is good.
i declared my major a couple of days ago - the deadline is this week - and i am proud to say that youre reading the blog of an official government major, emphasizing comparative politics, and hoping to do a thesis on economic growth and comparative environmental policy in developing countries. now, obviously my declaration can always be retracted, and i could consent to majoring in music, or english, or american studies, or anthropology, or, or, or - that's enough. its not permanent. but the choices are behind me, now.
the thing is, after spending so much time worrying about these "official" things (and treating my indecision as an indication that my life was meaningless), im happy with what i decided. and i feel its permanence.
michael, who lives in my hall, is a double major in theater and film, and amazing at both. hes been nagging at me all year to pursue music, and when i broke it to him last night that i was declaring government (to which he snarled at me, no joke!) he seemed disappointed, and also tried to make me believe that i was being untrue to myself.
i know that there are others who feel the same way about my decision, that im denying my artistic core, etc. but the thing is, i am so happy with my ability to express myself creatively here, i dont need to confirm my abilities with a diploma. i dont need to squeeze myself into a major just to squeeze out my musical potential. im giving it my best. gladly.
and in regards to my actual choice, those who have talked politics with me know that this is big. those who have talked environmental issues know that those are big with me, too. as much as the arts are a gift to bestow upon humanity, i know that my talents can be better invested elsewhere. and i know that i will take much greater satisfaction from working in the governmental sector than playing piano at some bar on the weekends.
as much as deciding something as simple as the word to be placed on my diploma is trite and silly, it still does confirm my worth. and direction. and potential. and passion.
and i can also give you my theories on why south korea has seen greater success in economic development than brazil has. so there!  ¶ 18:06