i vaguely remember attending a concert in the memory garden down at the monterey plaza. it was nighttime; white twinkle lights were strung overhead, candles were lit everywhere. my parents had taken me to hear a female singer. i was very young at the time, at the age where memories are remembered with a sort of tunnel vision. textures, settings, feelings remain... but constructing a full picture is difficult to do. but, i remember it being night, and i remember those artificial wishing stars above me. i tried to count them at one point, i believe. i was sitting on the edge of the fountain. lillypads balanced on the surface of the pool. i remember the water felt cool and soft when i immersed my small hands into the dark liquid, out of curiosity. i was always a squirmy kid (although who wasnt?), but the lady who was singing seemed so neat to me that i was really trying to be good for her.

yesterday was my birthday. my dad had a meeting that of course ran late, as all meetings do, especially when the evening conflicts with an important family event. on his hour commute home, he stopped to buy me a present. he ran upstairs, wrapped it (which took him about 10 minutes to do, him being male and all), and then brought it proudly downstairs to the table where my mom and i were sitting. i opened it, careful not to tear the paper, so as my respectful unwrapping would not diminish the effort he put into coordinating the bow with the paper.

it was dar williams' live cd. i didnt own any dar williams until that moment. i didnt know any of her songs. i knew of her, and that was it. it took me a few minutes of turning the case over and over in my hands to figure out why my dad had given it to me. then it hit me. she went to wesleyan university.

now, this revelation isnt anything to be particularly awstruck about. it was always just an "oh-thats-nice" fact to me when i read it in the brochures. however, to receive this gift from my father solidified my future reality in my mind, which was a revelation in and of itself. all of my dreams this year of fleeing my school, of being happy, of making my future, of compensating for past bad decisions, and putting myself where i needed to be did indeed come true. i am going to wesleyan next year. i am going to be happy. i am going to feel complete. my next 3 years will be grand. or so i hope.

so i smiled at my dad, thanked him, for the gift, for being so thoughtful in choosing it for me. but i couldnt help but feel sad, because while this gift symbolizes a positive change in my life, that change entails a 3,000 mile divide between me and my family that will form at the end of august.

after cake, we all said goodnight, and went to our respected rooms to sleep. i stayed awake, dug around in my boxes that still have not been unpacked, took out my discman and headphones and put on the album. i recognized the voice, the stylings. it seemed familiar. i went to my parents' room and asked my dad if he had any dar williams' tapes that i might have heard when i was younger. it was then that he told me about the concert. it was one of morgan's firsts, back when he still did music regularly. and he had chosen a special venue: the memory garden.

my vague recollections of that evening creeped in on me when i started listening to the album again in my room. this musical symbol of change in my life will simultaneously remind me of a beautiful moment in my childhood. i realize now that despite of how scared i am of going far away from the familiar, my past will always exist. dar williams went to wesleyan, and she also played in the memory garden. i am going to wesleyan, and my parents took me to play in the memory garden while they heard her perform.

everything is connected.  ¶ 17:28

  2 A's. 2 A-'s. 3.85 gpa.
i rule.
dean's list, both semesters.
only one B exists on my college transcript.
i hate to be so arrogant and flaunt these facts to everyone, but i am enjoying myself very much right now.
oh, and for those of you who are curious, yes, i am going to wesleyan next year. :)  ¶ 17:54