i had been feeling as though i was taking the right direction. and i know i am, in most senses. however, these 4 or 5 weeks here at wes have sent me through a tumolt of emotions, ideas, thoughts, feelings, opinions, and just about any other aspect of human existence that is subjective. (although, what aspect of human existence isnt subjective? is anything wholly objective? no.) and since ive been here, ive put on different masks, tried on different personas. different classes. one on labor history. another on great american novels. government. arranging and composing for jazz orchestra. i am writing for the school paper, playing in the jazz ensemble, and taking private piano lessons with a great teacher. i am going to start tutoring middletown kids soon. i rarely sleep... i am taking 2 more credits than the average student... i have to read about 700-800 pages a week... i have a cold right now from staying up and stressing out and forgetting to take care of my physical self. but i am so, so happy.
and yet, i am constantly plagued by my future. what it holds. what aspects of it i can control.
what aspects of it can i control?
everyone i talk to says the future is completely out of one's hands. despite this, i am constantly strategizing, planning, thinking ahead. i might as well design my funeral right now, while im at it.
picking a major has become an obsession. today's beautiful weather, today's cup of coffee soaked in soymilk, tonight's house dinner, tomorrow's hours practicing in the fine arts center, these are second to my distant future... what i am doing in a few years from now. what i am doing this summer. what i am doing for a career. where i am going to live. who i am going to be.
who i am now is unimportant to me. how?
i am neglecting the present. it drives me insane. but literally, there is never more than a 5 minutes' interval between my thoughts of the future. it plagues me. to a point where ive philosophized so much about the meaning of life that i firmly acknowledge that there is none.
which doesnt exactly put me in the best of moods.
life is pointless. i realize that education and family and love and loss are constructs which help humans deal with their existence. its all meant to simply occupy our time, so that we neglect questions about our lack of purpose.
and yet, i am still getting an education at an institution. i am in society. my goals involve society. i want, need, HAVE to be important.
and i guess that is how i cope... i will conquer this society that constantly befuddles and frustrates me. i am obsessed with pedastaling myself within human history, in order to justify my existence.
...a rather sad mentality.  ¶ 13:50