oooooooh, yeah.

i walked into molly's room at 1 am last night. "i want to cut my hair."

i have been so stressed lately... everything, and i really do mean everything, i have tried to do has been thwarted by some unknown cosmic collision. and last night, i received even more news that just makes the idea of being here next year even more difficult to accept...

so i cut my hair. now, this is not just a trim. this is a real haircut. its a goodbye-6-inches-of-mane, hello-bare-neck-and-gee-its-cold-outside-without-a-hat-crop. now, i really think one of my main physical attributes has always been my hair - when i was little it was white blonde and miss-america curly. in middle school, when it was just starting to some kink back in it after straightening out through the primary grades, i went through an awkward stage where even my teachers called me "poofy." (that did wonders for the confidence, let me tell you, mr casas) in high school, it was deeemed "the mane." i chemically straightened it, then decided to let it go curly when i got sick of hiding what i really looked like. the fact is, because people have always had something to say about my hair, its what ive been most self-conscious about. so what better way to feel better about yourself than to get rid of an attribute that has always been an object of peoples' attention, good and bad?

my dorm-mates screamed when they saw me. that is not the reaction i would prefer to receive from people upon first sight. oh well. fuck them.

aaaaaaaand, as a direct result of my haircut as a conversation piece, i found out that a girl in my ancient european lit class knows andrew pressman and jared solo! and that was pretty damn cool for a friday morning.  ¶ 13:59

  and then, every once in a while, something happens that makes me love this place.  ¶ 21:30

  for all of you aspiring sociologists (myself included), i think you will find this post incredibly interesting.

our latest assignment for my race, gender, and justice class required each of us to behave in a way that went against the typical expectations of our gender - boys act like girls, girls act like boys - and see how those around us responded. and seeing as i am 6'1'', and athletically built, ive always felt that people might assume that i project more masculine than feminine tendencies... so to capitalize on those prejudicial assumptions already crafted around my phenotype, i decided to dress like a very butch lesbian. i was essentially a woman trying to be a man. and i employed ana as my girlfriend.

so the two of us went into old town pasadena... and if you know anything about old town, it is a bastion of corporate america... every typical fashion brand and trendy eatery exists on this strip... all very mainstream. and so, the people that hang out there are also very mainstream.

we all know that lesbianism, or anything other than heterosexuality, for that matter, is not accepted in the mainstream. and let me tell you, people definetely made sure we felt alienated. ana and i held hands walking down the street, i put my arm around her, we looked into each others eyes, went to stores to find clothing for one another - victoria's secret for her (she was dressed up very sexily) and the men's section in the gap for me. everyone was staring at us - from cars, across the street, through windows, as employees - because we were "out." we all know that when we are fascinated with something, you generally forget standard codes of conduct and just blatantly stare in amazement... but when youre on the receiving end, you definetely see whats going on, even though the gawker may think we cannot see him. some people even just started laughing at us. an old man who was about 70 gave me such a hostile look while we were in starbucks that i sent it right back at him. but his gaze did not waver from me once during the 15 minutes we were customers in the shop.

i think one of the most important facets of our exercise in gender boundaries was the fact that i was a butch lesbian. because, if you think about it, there are stereotypes abound about lesbianism... and they all spring from the male hegemonic agenda... the idea of sexy, feminine lesbians occurs every day in the form of pornography or even movies like american pie 2... and this sort of lesbianism is, in a perverted sense, accepted because it caters to a masculine, heterosexual fantasy. however, i, in being butch, was attempting to be a man. i upset the men who saw me because i was stealing one of their sexy lesbian fantasies (ana) and corrupting it with my non-erotic presence. according to them, either another sexy female, or they, should be holding hands with her.

i think that is what is so fascinating about the regulation of gender is that ana and i as a couple would be more accepted if we still met the traditional hereosexual gender agenda as far as phenotype is concerned. however, because i exhibited masculine traits and tendencies, i violated my gender roles. so i experienced a "double jeopardy" of sorts... i was scorned for being a lesbian. and then for trying to "be" a man.

i just wanted to kick everyone in the head that ignored, laughed, frowned, or did a double take. you think that the united states is experiencing social progress, but it is all a rhetoric. when the public is actually confronted with these issues in the form of something other than a newspaper, they cant handle it. disgusting.  ¶ 21:12

  thank god i got rid of that huge yell that made my page super-annoyingly-wide. however, in the process i did...something...with some of my entries. but that is life, i suppose. not like i ever have good luck anyways.

and on an even lighter note, my widsom teeth coming in is causing my entire lower jaw to feel like it is throbbing, all day. i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant think... i have a perpetual scowl on my face, because that is my way of bracing my face to bear the pain... so i am getting a lot of, "oh my god, whats wrong? you look so upset!"

...damn dentist.  ¶ 20:55

  now i just have to get into the schools i applied to...  ¶ 22:30

  thats it. the moment i can, im getting out of here. and this is a good thing!!! im saying this with excitement!!! thank you susie, thank you pomona, thank you john mayer, even.... money is NOT going to stop me. i am going to be myself. i am going to be happy.

its worth any price.  ¶ 22:30