it's all talk
4.06.2002
hating your life is a bad thing, i think...
too much shit has gone down for me to even begin to list it here.
i have NO future... ¶ 16:34
too much shit has gone down for me to even begin to list it here.
i have NO future... ¶ 16:34
3.31.2002
a great man just said to me...
"Amy.....you are an incredible girl with immense talent....and passion: one of the most passionate people I've known......I think you are someone that could not be happy without great success.....and success has to be defined by you and only you....what you love the most....because i believe that is the only way anybody can achieve."
.......success has to be defined by myself, and only myself.........
thank you, matt leister. ¶ 23:55
"Amy.....you are an incredible girl with immense talent....and passion: one of the most passionate people I've known......I think you are someone that could not be happy without great success.....and success has to be defined by you and only you....what you love the most....because i believe that is the only way anybody can achieve."
.......success has to be defined by myself, and only myself.........
thank you, matt leister. ¶ 23:55
"she's been everybody else's girl/maybe one day she'll be here own" -tori amos
meh. things had been working out well, i felt like i had begun to settle into a niche here. classes have been great. my profs are some of the best on campus. they like my work, a lot. i feel valued here. and that means a lot to me, because i usually dont value myself. being important to other people is, for me, the most important thing in the world. approval is my ultimate goal - approval from the periphery. terrible, isnt it?
maybe i should break free. forget the academic scholarship here, leave a place where my only comfort is in the fact that i am approved of. im sick of not being able to have my music. notes on a page, and in my mind, have always been my salvation, as well as a medium of self expression. its been my employment. its even been my ticket to europe.
the question is, how much does this matter to me - giving up my music, in a formal sense (as i will always still tinker around on my own) for 3 more years, for the sake of monetary affordability for my family.
but can i, can my BEING, afford to let this go?
I WANT TO BE MYSELF. the self i am going to cultivate here is not the one i dream of creating. and while i will become a wonderful person regardless of what happens, while i will do, see, and be a part of amazing things here, its not exactly...what i want.
someone help me, please. ¶ 01:29
meh. things had been working out well, i felt like i had begun to settle into a niche here. classes have been great. my profs are some of the best on campus. they like my work, a lot. i feel valued here. and that means a lot to me, because i usually dont value myself. being important to other people is, for me, the most important thing in the world. approval is my ultimate goal - approval from the periphery. terrible, isnt it?
maybe i should break free. forget the academic scholarship here, leave a place where my only comfort is in the fact that i am approved of. im sick of not being able to have my music. notes on a page, and in my mind, have always been my salvation, as well as a medium of self expression. its been my employment. its even been my ticket to europe.
the question is, how much does this matter to me - giving up my music, in a formal sense (as i will always still tinker around on my own) for 3 more years, for the sake of monetary affordability for my family.
but can i, can my BEING, afford to let this go?
I WANT TO BE MYSELF. the self i am going to cultivate here is not the one i dream of creating. and while i will become a wonderful person regardless of what happens, while i will do, see, and be a part of amazing things here, its not exactly...what i want.
someone help me, please. ¶ 01:29
