sometimes people make me think i take my music-listening too seriously.
i do think i can be a elitist about it, however. i suppose that snobbery stems from the amount of effort i put into cataloguing, listing, researching, alphabetizing, and discussing everything i listen to or plan to hear soon. this isnt just a purchase - it is a passion. i have a little notebook i use specifically for noting to myself the albums i plan to purchase, from the artist and album title, to supporting players on the album, to sometimes, even, the label its put out on.
but i must say, once i do get my hands on some new music, no feeling can compare to that first listening. door closed, headphones on, volume up, no distractions. i insist on hearing every note of the entire record before i can skip around, or listen only to part of it at a time.
people laugh and call me obsessive-compulsive when i bring my lists to the store, when i read the liner notes once through before i take the case to the counter, when i close my door on a friday night so that i can focus all of my attention on some new sounds. i just call it fulfillment.  ¶ 03:33

  OH, MY GOD.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE AWARE OF WHAT MY BBALL SITUATION WAS THIS YEAR, I HAVE FABULOUS NEWS.

THE COACH WAS FORCED TO RESIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had decided not to play if he was coaching next year. i had to leave that abusive relationship. and now that hes gone, not just from my sight, but completely gone, i feel so elated...
(it does kind of suck, however, because seniors-to-be will have to be in a rebuilding program all over again their final year of school. and the school might not be able to find a coach in time for season next year.)

but hey, now im reconsidering playing again next year.
which is fabulous, because basketball has been one of my passions. i had quit to preserve my love for the sport. but now, i just might be able to feel comfortable on the hardwood again. :)  ¶ 00:32

  might i also add that i did indeed finish my final english paper... nearly 7 pages analyzing a 5-line, middle english lyric poem. woo-ha.  ¶ 21:14

  guys, i rule.
i got a *perfect score* on my race, gender, and justice final... the only one in my colloquium.
thank you, thank you.  ¶ 21:12

  must... finish... everything... to... my... satisfaction...
i do think that my work ethic borders on obsessive-compulsive at times. so here i am, the 4th night in a row without really any sleep. thank god tomorrow is my second to last day of class before a couple reading days.

holy shit, today is may 1st.
holy shit, im going to be home, in my room, in my bed, may 12th.

i cant believe its pretty much over. today halbe taped the "hall closing" notices on everyone's doors... and thats when it really hit me. definitely left a pit in my stomach. it went by so quickly. and this is affecting me in two ways. they are:
1. i cant believe its over! i grew so much as a person this year, made some great friends. im going to miss my oxy experience this summer, and perhaps, for the rest of my life, if i end up not returning to this particular school.
2. i cant believe its over! i spent an entire year depressed and unfulfilled, i took an entire year off from really, truly developing my musical talent and pursuing what i loved... i just spent an entire year missing out on things that make me feel alive.

...i cant believe its over...  ¶ 07:15

  its really strange eating pretzels with earplugs on. it sounds like teeth shattering.  ¶ 19:45

  would you laugh if you saw a girl, perching in a chair tucked in the furthest corner of the room, orange earplugs in place, greasy ponytail cocked to one side of her head, carebrear pajama top on, jeans she slept in last night on bottom, with papers and books and pens and pencils and highlighters and food wrappers protecting her all around by a 5 foot radius, like a garbage-dump mote, typing furiously all day and all night?
apparently my neighbors would.  ¶ 19:44

  i think my right forearm is starting to tan more than my left forearm...
this would be because my desklamp is on the right side of my desk...
i havent gotten out much lately...  ¶ 13:44

  i am so sick of feeling inadequate. inadequate as far as:

1. intelligence
2. talents
3. social skills
4. looks
hm... looking at this list, i pretty much covered everything that defines "human being."
and then realizing that the action of feeling inadequate is a bad thing only makes the situation worse, because i realize that it's another problem with me. i just want to feel good about myself. feel content with who i am. please.  ¶ 03:25

  nika, i know exactly how you feel.
ours are black, with orange block letters which spell "tigers."
they seem to be the standard sorority girl work-out dress code here...  ¶ 22:51

  so i made orientation team. heh.

but the sad thing is, i really want to be on o-team. it was the best experience i had this year... my first week here was fabulous. the orientation here is great (as i am sure it is at a lot of schools), and i had decided during that week that i was going to apply to be an o-team leader for my sophomore year.
and then, i really hated this school.
for about 80% of this year, i have wanted to leave.
i hear back from the schools i applied to around may 15th. in some ways im really nervous... i think about it every day, i worry constantly about getting all thin envelopes. even if i do decide to stay here, it will be nice to know i had the choice to flee the scene.
but back to orientation team... today was the first meeting for the group... i had decided to be selfish and at least apply and interview for one of the positions, since if i do decide to return i knew i would regret not being involved. and i was selected as one of the 20 new members from a group of around 200.
and today, being there, going through the cheers, picking a theme, hanging out with the other members, preparing skits...

i dont want to miss out on this.

...damn...  ¶ 22:22

  sometimes i think fate does exist.
tonight, for instance, i just had to get a black forest mocha... m m good... at the equator, which is in pasadena... however, i was reluctant go to because usually they have karaoke on saturday nights, which can suck... but this coffee shop is, in my opinion, on par if not a wee bit cooler (forgive me, morgan) than morgans.
anyway, there was no karaoke.
just a really, really, good band. the usual ska/pop deal. but amazing nontheless.
we were there for two songs. and let me just say that i have never heard a better version of "im in the mood for love" than the one they rendered while i was waiting for my coffee.
there was just so much energy - trying to explain it here in text is making me squirm in my seat - those of you who know me understand if i were telling you this in person i would be madly jumping about, arms flailing, smile a mile wide... the lead singer was jumping up and down, the group really knew their stuff... the backup vocalist had this content smile on her face. their music was taking them places, i could see it in their expressions and body language - because i know exactly how they feel.
I MISS PERFORMING SO MUCH!!!
seeing them, tonight, makes me ache to be able to give to an audience, as well as give to myself, the absolute high music provides - and it really is the best high. i dont care what anyone says. i remember one time i was at lea's house jamming with a bunch of peeps and i just went off for about 20 minutes on my own, taking the lead with the houlette's white baby grand.
the collaboration is amazing.
the group was called soul traffic. i put myself down on their mailing list. theyre definitely not my favorite group, definitely not my favorite musical genre. but regardless of my musical tastes, i could see, i could hear, the passion they were putting into what they were doing. i miss having an outlet like that - i miss being able to hand myself over to my instrument as a translator. i miss speaking through tones, not words. its a trust i feel is unmatched in any other art form - letting your soul control your body, use your fingers, arms, diaphragm, vocal chords, to express yourself. the deepest expression ive ever known has been expression through music.
seeing the group tonight, i NEED to be a part of that again. i NEED that to feel whole.
i could feel the adrenaline rushing through me as i watched them play.
but simply watching isnt enough for me. not anymore.  ¶ 03:11