i leave the 18th of this month. and i wont return until the 21st of the 12th month.

that is an impossibly long time and i am scared i am scared of starting over i am scared of being new all of my life i have lived in pacific grove never moved to a new school unless it was to graduate to a new level of education now going to the other side of the country mid college career leaves me feeling empty and as if i am going to start dryheaving it makes me wonder about me own mortality and about my mental strength and if i really am as strong as i would like to pretend to be but seeing as ones reality is really just ones imagination assumed as truth then i suppose that i just need to trick myself rather postmodern dont you think anyway summer has gone by too quickly some people who matter to me more than anything in the world to me have only seen me once and im not sure if that is because were all so busy just running moving breathing dying or if they all just hate me now thats a pessimistic thought but which of my thoughts arent pessimistic you should know the answer to that one damn i feel alone in so many ways lately and i feel so unsure of my direction i have one large college catalog which basically holds my fate but ive refused to open it all summer and i need to do that soon i have no idea where im going or what im doing and im spending my entire present just choking on that fact rather than taking action and i hate that useless feeling because i need to be productive i need deadlines to be met i need efficiency in order to create meaning in my life this is something i have realized and that is rather upsetting because rather than enjoy each breath i take quick shallow ones because hyperventillation seems to make me feel more important time will never stop time will never stop time will never stop running out.  ¶ 13:19