so ive got those end-of-the-year-blues:
not the "i'm gonna miss you guys a lot blues,"
but rather the "im worthless and expendable and i feel really lonely and unwanted" blues.
is this normal?  ¶ 00:32

  fully celebrated jazz orchestra.  ¶ 01:45

  i really can't handle this anymore.

first: reading week is NEVER, EVER the time to start questioning your major. dont do it.

second: four midterms on top of two research papers makes amy a very sad girl.

also: i decided to take the math-based economics course this semester because i wanted to really learn economics. and oh man, did i ever learn economics.
over spring break, i was doing oxy kids' 300-level homework. i rocked. i totally get this stuff. i can synthesize the material. i love political economy analysis. i appreciate the tools this course has given me.
but at the same time, im not totally loving the course. i dont test well in it. im settled right in the middle of the curve.
the thing about this course is, the average grade is a C+/B-. this professor detests grade inflation, gives midterms and finals that extend at least an hour over the university-imposed time limit... and absolutely loves his students. the class has shrunk by 2/3 since the beginning of the semester; the ones left are warriors, in his eyes.
so, my relationship with this course has been love/hate.
im not going to major in econ; i know that i dont want to spend my days at a liberal arts institution plugging away at numbers.
at the same time, its just really hard not to get down on yourself for being average. i havent been "average" in college before; even last semester, when i came to wes all wide-eyed and humble, i rocked my courses. i loved it all.
this semester, not so much. its been painful. certainly not a disaster. ive learned more than ive ever learned in a single semester. and ive learned very important things. and thats what matters, right?
its just tough to accept that after a really good semester, all one's gpa can do is go down.
so i called my mom today to wish her a happy mother's day. my present to her was my announcement that i may get a C. and i was damn proud when i told her.
a C at most other institutions might as well be an F. but not in this class. a C is honestly "average," and when one is in a class filled with brilliant kids, "average" means something completely different. and in today's academic world where 20 students can all be declared "valedictorians," it feels refreshing, almost.
so im studying my butt off for tomorrow, hoping ill remember all of my equations for mrts and vmpl and adi and sria... my floor is buried beneath inches of notes.
"examinations are a continuation, not culmination, of knowledge!" he declared during our review. hes going to ask us questions that we wont be able to answer. if i dont remember everything, thats cool. thats not what prof. bonin expects.
he, in fact, expects for me to major.  ¶ 01:47

  because im a sappy motherfucker...

Just Around the Riverbend

What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend

I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
Jut around the riverbend
For me
Coming for me

I feel it there beyond those trees
Or right behind these waterfalls
Can I ignore that sound of distant drumming
For a handsome sturdy husband
Who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dreams that something might be coming?
Just around the riverbend
Just around the riverbend

I look once more
Just around the riverbend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for ...
Why do all my dreams extend
Just around the riverbend?
Just around the riverbend ...

Should I choose the smoothest course
Steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kocoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver
Just around the riverbend?

if youre out there, stinskee... i hope youre dancing your heart out at UNM.  ¶ 00:45