well, this is my first college spring where i havent been browsing other universities' catalogs or scrambling to write personal essays. im proud that i attend wesleyan university; i love my roommate and my friends; my classes are wonderful, and the professors are personable; the weather's warmed. i almost feel alive.

last friday evening a bunch of music department kids got together and put on a show. thirteen acts, a house jam band, free booze. i had the pleasure of being the evening's pianist. i backed a few acts, did some extended jams before and after the show with some other instrumentalists, and then performed in a trio. i played piano, sang. my friends max and roger backed me on bass and drums, respectively. i wasnt nervous, my hands didnt shake, and i was so amazed with some of the lines that floated out of my mouth, lilting, confident. i was exploring the music while onstage, which i think is a great development for me. we only went through the tune twice about an hour before the gig. and when i was done, the house loved it.

so again, im questioning what im doing, who i am, what im going to become. i am a million times better at this now than i was as a senior in high school, when i would consider myself as having been capable. but its still tough to have unfettered confidence about these things when you have friends at berklee that are first call for everything and are amazingly accomplished before theyve completed two decades of existence.

by wesleyan standards, ive become an incredible performer. im first call here, now. but its a much smaller world than boston, new york, or los angeles. many musicians i have met through the years have recommended not majoring in music, based on their own personal experiences. they didnt accomplish all of their dreams; they dont want me to crash and burn the same way.

maybe plummeting to the earth would actually be more fulfilling than flying high but wondering whats on the ground.

any advice?  ¶ 20:16