"this purifying of wit - this enriching of memory, enabling of judgment, and enlarging of conceit - which commonly we call learning, under what name soever it come forth, or to what immediate end soever it be directed, the final end is to lead and draw us to as high a perfection as our degenerate souls, made worse by their clayey lodgings, can be capable of." - sir philip sidney, 1579.  ¶ 17:24

  i had forgotten about beauty. i had forgotten how to celebrate beauty.
molly was sick today, and so after lunch, as we headed towards the library, she forced me to walk at a pace that is about the third of my normal speed. to be honest, i was annoyed: while the bustle of the day prods me along at a trot to get from place to place, lately, ive started walking in a very purposeful fashion. i do say hello to people, i am aware of what is around me, but being outside has been about getting from point a to point b in the most efficient manner possible.
after i left molly at the library and started to head back up to the hall, i found myself, much to my initial displeasure, continuing to take small, carefully planned steps. i started walking faster, but then forced myself to slow down. i was testing my will.
it took me 15 minutes to get back to my room. normally it takes 5.
and suddenly, the world hurled itself toward me at a startling pace, and took me up into its embrace. i was no longer threatened by my surroundings; rather, i had become a part of it.
we linked arms and walked together.  ¶ 16:45

  ...and nothing, i think, is more frustrating (as well as interesting) than talking to a fraternity member about beauty standards as perpetuated by the media, and social responsibility.  ¶ 04:15

  so my economics teacher came back today.

after being sick for 3 weeks.

were supposed to have a midterm next tuesday.

we were supposed to have written our second paper.

we were supposed to have gone through round two of presentations.

everyone in that class is screwed. including the prof.  ¶ 13:43

  i do remember the first words i exchanged with jimmy uhlmann, however. it was february of this year. he was 82. he was in a wheelchair. he had parkinson's. i had to put my ear to his lips to hear what he had to say. my hand rested on his. and he told me, "i can tell... reading about you, seeing you here... youve done everything but swim upstream... and im sure that's to come."

aside from thank you's, i think that was the only exchange we ever really had one on one.

i cant forget that moment. its going to keep me going.   ¶ 17:42

  i think one of the worst feelings in the world is being torn. and there are some days more than others when you really feel the tug from two opposite directions - today was a day i really felt that... you see, i received an additional scholarship this year from the uhlmann foundation for what they decided was my academic excellence (i still refuse to take a compliment). anyways, there were two selected from my class - one boy, and one girl. we had to attend a dinner where we were honored for our work in college... and i felt really out of place. the room was filled with upper, upper class, old, white men. it was not my ideal environment... today, i attended jimmy uhlmann's funeral. so once again, i was tossed into this insulated environment. we were in a converted gentlemen's club in downtown los angeles, with 40 foot ceilings and gold chandeliers... i couldnt help but look down, out the sound-proofed glass window, to the bag lady that we had passed on the corner while we walked to the elevator.
here's the catch, though - as much as i despise these contrived environments, it is very easy to get sucked into. suddenly, i was ashamed of my newly cropped hair. i felt rediculous for the sparkly green stud that graced my nose. i was compelled to talk economics and politics with the men around me. i wanted desperately to be accepted by them, to be one of them, to be able to so agily ignore the rest of the world, turn the life that exists beyond the burgandy satin curtains framing the windows into something impersonal, something separate, from me and my creme brulee.
when people inquire as to my major, all of my ideas of music and psychology and social work abandon me. suddenly, im interested in international relations and economics for business management, and summer internships in finance.
the fact is, i know that this could easily become my reality. and this is how i am torn: do i become one of these people, and live comfortably... or do i fuck yuppiness and live against this other possibility?
the fact is, i dont know which one i should claim. im too caught up in my impression. and you could easily say that spending the rest of my life on the third floor in downtown LA is superficial. but i know that, just as easily, dressing in clothes from goodwill and keeping a rock in my nose could be just as fake, even though at first glance it might seem more genuine.

am i a ceo or a protester?

i know there can be a balance. but as far as my life here is concerned, ive only experienced the polar opposites.  ¶ 17:04

  perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative perfection is relative.  ¶ 16:44

  sometimes i dont know if i am self-improving, or self-destructing.  ¶ 00:25