last night i went to sean han's senior recital. he called it "rock compositions in various stages of orchestration." i call it "mainstream bar rock."
dont get me wrong, it was a good time. he is a talented musician. sean started at the new school on jazz guitar, and then came to wesleyan as a transfer. he was supposed to graduate '02. but he took an extra semester to finish out his music major. he was in my arranging class.
it was good pop, as pop music goes. i think there is great potential in him and his group to go mainstream. i listened to the recordings on the website; they were weak in contrast to their live performance.
i walked out of crowell hall feeling really excited about the possibilities. for myself.

first, i handed in my music project this week. i arranged 'i loves you porgy' for a big band - 13 horns and rhythm section. i hadnt spent much time prior to the week before my presentation working on the project, and i was nervous i would do some sort of hack job of it. but i didnt. i took the time. i worked it out on piano. i wrote it up on finale. and i was proud of it.
this semester has made me a better musician. i know this because what i wrote was probably the most complex and interesting arranging ive done.
so i presented it in class. played it with the sad little midi voices on the mac. showed the score to jay.
he didnt say a whole lot. i was worried he wasnt impressed.
however, later that day, as i was wrapping up the cords after jazz orchestra was over, jay came up to me and started talking about my arrangement. he was super-picky about his comments, in regards to transitions between solis and why i had gone into a double time feel where i had. and then he says he wants me to work on the arrangement some more.
i was a little ticked off when he said this, because i knew that my arrangement was one of the better ones we heard that day. and the guys (this class is all guys) who had done crap jobs werent being told to redo their orchestration.
then, in one sentence, it was all clear:
"because i want the jazz orchestra to try to work your piece into their repertoire next semester," he said.
suddenly, i have prospects as an arranger/composer.

but to tie this back to sean's recital: I knew my arrangement was one of the best. jay confirmed that.
i know i can put on a fabulous recital. if sean can do what he did, i can do something, and do it better. i can make it me, on stage. creating.
i think of what i would like to do for a senior thesis: something like when dianne reeves performed with the national orchestra at jazz a vienne.
i know i can do it well. i know i would put all of my passion into it.
what matters in life? for me, its mostly been about success, but also reputation. music isnt practical.
but it is under my skin, in my veins, intermingling with my blood... its what makes me think the hardest, and makes me feel most accomplished. my head had never hurt as it did when i was doing this arrangement. it was physically taxing: i creating something where there was once nothing.
what can i do that will make me feel that this has been a life well spent?  ¶ 15:03

  "When I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love don't test my love
Cause maybe I don't love you all that much

Don't ask what kind of music I'm gonna play tonight
Just stay awhile
Hear for yourself awhile
And if you must put me in a box
Make sure it's a big box
With lots of windows
And a door to walk through
And a nice high chimney
So we can burn burn burn
Everything that we don't like
And watch the ashes
Fly up to Heaven
Maybe all the way to India
I'd like that

All the ancient kings came to my door
They said, "Do you want to be an ancient king too?"
I said, "Oh yes, very much
But I think my timing's wrong"
They said, "Time is relative
Or did you misread Einstien?"
I said, "Do you really mean it?"
They said, "What do you think we come here for
Our goddamn health or something?"

Everybody's waiting for the messiah
The Jews are waiting
The Christians are waiting
Also the Muslims
It's like everybody's waiting
They've been waiting a long time
I know how I hate to wait
Like even for a bus or something
An important phone call
So I can imagine
How darned impatient
Everybody must be getting

So I think it's time now
Time to reveal myself
I am the Messiah
I am the Messiah
I am the Messiah

Yes, I think you heard me right
I am the Messiah
I was gonna wait till next year
Build up the suspense a little
Make it a really big surprise
But I could not resist
It's like when you got a really big secret
You're just bursting to tell someone
It was kinda like that with this
And now that I've told you
I feel this great weight lifted
Dr. Nusbaum was right
He's my therapist
He said get it out in the open

I spent ten whole days in Jerusalem
Mmmm Jerusalem
Sweet Jerusalem
And all I ate was olives
Nothing but olives
Mountains of olives
It was a good ten days
I like olives
I like you too

So when I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love
Accept my love
Don't test my love
'Cause maybe I don't love you all that much."
--thank you, Dan Bern.
you got me grinning like a fool.
  ¶ 01:07